help...the need to reguggitate.......

I have found myself the inability to coherent myself in writing. This is absolute frustration to me and my whole descendents. Their expectation in seeing me becoming has not arrived.

Truly frustrating to those who love me most or seem to proclaim that they do. It’s hard for them to keep being in love with me for the power of 3 young men are within. Yes they are men now. I believe they have grown from little annoying boys. But they can be pretty destructive to me in going on normal day life. Reading has become a real task for me now. I can’t read without hearing the 3 voices after one paragraph! One always has an idea for an artwork, another keeps questioning, especially when I read about God. And the last seem to hush them all up. They are overtaking me so that I can’t seem to read in peace.


Is this thing going to make me crazy? I'm sure its making me as dysfunctional as it could get. I can’t even talk to anyone properly. In the middle of my conversations I seem to hear them in my head either making a pun or telling me what to do next as I'm saying something. This causes me to stop talking and the conversation is at halt and I forget what I'm saying.

What are you people? Why are you sent to me? Why do you come to me and find destitution within me? I have never invited you. I have never needed you….or have I? The fear of being lonely is not because of fear of boredom but the fear of becoming absurd like how you have lead me in the past. I have manifested into many undoing that I have regretted. I'm still a child because I believe you grew up but not me. How so? Because I have fed you and entertain you in becoming real since I was young. I’ve talked to you out loud till people thought I was crazy but you made me didn’t care. You made me believe things I'm not sure of myself and I've taken into decisions that I have regretted later. Always.

I want to get rid of you but I don't know how. And I was told that I needed you as protection. But I don't know how to use you or train you or keep you still. I just want to go on living without you all erupting on me. I want to function! On my own! But how……?